You had me at "Hi"

Just a little glimpse into our days at home post-surgery:

This cracks me up. (And I know my family back home is thinking she takes after her mama.... :))

It's so comforting that Eden is so happy and normal. We are so blessed with such a strong, brave little girl! Bryan and I are both heading back to work tomorrow, leaving Eden in Angela's capable hands. We will see what next Tuesday brings (the surgeon will make a decision at that point about more grafting - for now we're changing dressings at home).

Trying to Trust

Yesterday was a tough day, emotionally, for me. First of all, Eden didn't sleep well. She was awake from 4:00-5:30 crying - she's been so used to being held whenever she cries that she's completely spoiled. Our good sleeper now needs sleep training, which completely stinks. I am so thankful that we never had to do this when she was little, but it's still hard to listen to her cry and know that if I just went in there and rocked her, she'd sleep. But I keep thinking of that whole give-a-man-a-fish/teach-a-man-to-fish thing and realizing that I need to let this run its course.

Because none of us slept well, 7:30 came very early. Bryan brought Eden into bed with us and we were snuggling as a family when I realized she had bled through her bandage and the hospital sock on top of the bandage. I was pretty sure that wasn't supposed to happen. I called the hospital and they asked us to bring her in for dressing take-down a day early.

Turns out Eden has hematomas on both of her palms. This may or may not be (but probably is) impeding the grafts from attaching in those areas. We are headed back to the hospital today for another look by Eden's actual surgeon, but from what yesterday's attending surgeon told us, the likely outcome is more surgery. This is hard for us because we thought we were going to be coming out of this nightmare this week. I was planning to go back to work on Thursday (I still might, depending on how today goes and what the surgeon decides to do). We are getting a little bit impatient for this to be over, to be able to return to normal life. But I know that God has a big plan, bigger and better than ours. I am trying to completely trust Him in this - I know that He's in control and that He should be (and I shouldn't!). But I am struggling with impatience. This is probably a sign of my imperfect trust, my inability to completely turn over control of the situation. I'm trying, Lord!

We are praying that today the hematomas look miraculously better (the one that was bleeding yesterday doesn't seem to be bleeding as badly today) and there will be no more grafting right now. But we are also trying to be prepared for them to look worse, for surgery to be certain, and for a longer battle with this nightmare.

As I type this I keep thinking of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. This is where I am trying to turn my heart every day:

Daniel 3:15-18
"Now if you are ready, at the moment you hear the sound of the horn, flute, lyre, trigon, psaltery and bagpipe and all kinds of music, to fall down and worship the image that I have made, very well But if you do not worship, you will immediately be cast into the midst of a furnace of blazing fire; and what god is there who can deliver you out of my hands?"

Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

This Shane & Shane song (aptly titled "Burn Us Up") says it in an amazingly powerful way:



The point is, if Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego can face certain death in reliance on God's plan, and recognize even in the face of a firey furnace that following God does not mean that our comfort is paramount but that His glory IS, our little family can deal with a slightly longer healing period for our baby girl.

On the Flip Side

Here we are, on the flip side of surgery.

Everything went well, and as expected. The surgeon who worked on her is a plastic surgeon who is very well known for his work on hands. What a blessing! He is very optimistic. He did sheet grafts on both palms (the entire right palm and a u-shape on the left palm), a triangle on her right forearm, a small, very thin graft on her forehead, and a few "scraps" in some of her fingertips.

She came out of surgery just fine. The breathing tube made her throat really sore and she was pretty croupy, which was scary, but they just kept an eye on her and she was fine. She slept pretty much all day Tuesday, and all night Tuesday night. Wednesday after lunch they sent us home.

It was so great to be home, and to know that we're done with this nightmare for at least a few days. No daily trips to the hospital for torturous dressing changes. Those were getting to be unbearable for all three of us. We don't have to go back until Tuesday, when she gets the primary dressings removed.

Eden is pretty much herself - she is eating well (thankfully) and learning new words every day again. She is learning to use her hands and only occasionally gets frustrated at something she used to be able to do that she just can't now. But she is happy, and hilarious, as usual. And we are so thankful for that.

Eden Update

Eden is sleeping and Bryan has taken our guests to the Freedom Trail for some sightseeing, and I have a moment to sit and process and type up a quick update here.

Little Missy is doing as well as can be expected. She is eating MUCH better now that we're home, and she is usually happy to play with her toys and cuddle with Mommy and Daddy. Occasionally she will be just fine and all of a sudden out of nowhere start screaming, which is terrible, but with a little medication and about half an hour we can make that go away.

The nurse practitioner we have seen at the hospital has said her arms are looking much better, and even we can see that. There is a lot of "budding" which is new skin starting to form. That is very encouraging. Her palms still look unrecognizable, but there are promising areas on the edges. She will certainly need grafts on her hands. Her head, on the other hand, is really healing nicely. It is going to be just fine on its own.

I hate that this is what I have to blog about. I wanted to be posting pictures of our camping trip and talking about how Eden's really starting to parrot us and is picking up new words at an alarming pace. This past week has been terrible. It 100% sucks to watch my baby in so much pain and frustration, and to know that her little body is working so hard to fix itself from something so horrifying. It turns my stomach to think about what is underneath those bandages, and it makes me cry that those images are from my little girl's own hands - flesh of my flesh. I ache inside with the desire to take it away, to go back in time and make it never have happened, to fast forward to being through this healing process. And I am heartbroken for my husband, love of my life, who is so haunted and guilt-ridden over the whole thing.

But, as I keep saying, there have been bright spots in this ordeal. God has been good to us. He protected her body from more serious injury. He allowed me to keep it together enough the day it happened to make sure the things that needed to get done got done (getting our keys to someone, calling my secretary, passing off work, letting our families know, making sure Bryan was eating and drinking). He provided an amazing community of brothers and sisters here in Boston and literally all over the world who immediately enveloped us in love and support, praying for our little girl and taking care of our physical needs. He provided an amazing hospital with first-rate doctors to care for Eden, right in our hometown. He is slowly healing our hearts as He heals Eden's body.

I remember once before Eden was born watching an episode of Oprah where they interviewed a mom who had driven to work and accidentally left her baby in the car, in August, all day. The baby died and it was absolutely heartbreaking, but what stuck with me was the interview with the dad. He said he never, even for a minute, blamed his wife for what happened. I remember thinking that was total crap. Of course you would blame the mom - I did! It was her fault, right? If she had just had her act together their child would still be alive. But now, I get it. From the very beginning, I never blamed Bryan, not even for a minute. I instantly ached for him, I felt his pain, I felt that he blamed himself, but I never ever blamed him. It could have just as easily been me, or a babysitter, or anyone. I thank God for that instant sympathy for my husband that drew me to him, drew us together, rather than the blame I thought I would feel which would have ripped us apart.

This is hard, this is unbelievably awful, but we are getting through it day by day, by His grace.

Our Family Mini-Vacation

Our seven glorious days and six amazing nights in our little downtown accomodations have come to an end.

We are home.

It feels so good.

I wish I could get my fingers to type all of the crazy things I'm feeling, the wild roller coaster ride we've been on the past week, but I honestly just want to sleep. So you will get the Cliffs Notes version:

• This week has been wicked hard, but every day gets a little easier.
  
• Eden is doing great - physically she's still very hurt but doesn't seem to be in too much pain. And she's eating a little more, which is great.
• We are home for now, taking her back every day for dressing changes and assessment by the doctor and NP and the rest of the team.
• (Thank the Lord) Coming home was not too traumatic for any of us
  
• Surgery tentatively scheduled for Tuesday.
• We've met a few families, and are seriously relieved that it wasn't much worse (there is some heartbreaking stuff at Shriner's).
• God is faithful to our prayers and our baby's precious skin and our own hearts.

She is, for the most part, herself: happy and giggly and sweet and cuddily. Evidence:

If you're praying for us, here are some specific things you can pray for:

1. Continued healing and improvement on Miss Eden's hands and arms - the more she heals on her own the less grafting she will need, and the less surgery later
2. Eden to not get too frustrated about not being able to use her hands
3. Continued improvement in Eden's appetite and peace for Bryan and me about her eating
4. We have friends in town from back home this weekend. Please pray for a great visit and relatively easy baby.

Thank you so much for walking with us on this journey.

Update on Little Missy

So we didn't end up with surgery yesterday. The doctor decided to wait and see how much they can get her hands to heal on their own before they graft. This might reduce the amount of grafting necessary, but will not eliminate the need for a graft completely. Everyone is pretty much in agreement that she will need grafts on her hands, and probably her right forearm. The burn on her forehead is much more superficial and will probably heal on its own.

They thought we might be able to bring her home today, but she still has a little redness and swelling that the doctors are wanting to keep an eye on. They say we might be able to go home tomorrow.

When we go home we will have to bring her back to the hospital every day for dressing changes, and when they decide to do surgery she will be re-admitted. They're thinking that will probably happen early next week but it changes all the time so we're not sure.

Bryan and I are doing much better... God's been good to our hearts. It's been nice to have distractions, and since she is happier now she is playing more. The one source of trouble is that she isn't really eating. It's frustrating for us because she needs the calories and protein to heal but she completely refuses food, milk, supplements, everything. The past two days combined she has had less than 1000 calories. The good news is she's acting fine. She's getting just enough so that she's not too dehydrated. But it is frustrating for us.

Overall, though, we've sort of settled into a routine here. I suppose five days in a place will do that...

If you're praying for us, here are a few specific things you can pray for:

1. That Eden would EAT!
2. For continued peace for Bryan and me.
3. For Eden to keep her spirits up like they've been so far today

(That's all I've got time for - it's time to try lunch... but you get the gist.)

What a trip

Well we've had a very interesting last few days.

I am typing this email from a computer in Shriner's Hospital. Eden is walking around the playroom with Bryan, happily hugging him and listening to him bang on a drum. Her head is wrapped in gauze like a little helmet and her hands are covered by gauze and hospital socks to the elbow.

It all started Thursday morning. I was headed to work, and I was one subway stop away. I got a call from Bryan, so I answered the phone. All I could hear was Eden screaming and Bryan sobbing uncontrollably and asking, "What do I do?" I jumped off the train just before the doors closed, ran above ground, and searched desperately for a cab while I tried to get him to calm down enough to tell me what had happened. Eden burned herself on the glass of our gas fireplace. Bryan had turned it on because it was chilly in the morning, and had forgotten about it. (It was the first time in several months we'd had it on). He sat her down and went to the bathroom. Mere seconds later she was sitting in front of the fire staring at her burned hands and arms in shock and he was on the phone with me, holding her in the cold shower and trying to calm down enough to figure out what to do.

He called 911 and I got home in the cab just minutes after the ambulance got there. It was the most terrible cab ride I'd ever experienced, not quite knowing what was happening. I rode with her to Children's Hospital and had to lay on top of her while they tried to put in an IV. As soon as they got it in I passed out. Bryan had followed us in our car (our pastor lives just down the street and drove him) and he got there right after they'd put me in the bed next to Eden.

I was totally fine, just in shock at seeing my baby's palms all white and leathery and her forearms peeling away, and knowing she was screaming from pain and there was nothing I could do - I couldn't even hold her.

Eden, on the other hand, was badly burned. They immediately transferred us here (it is a pediatric burn hospital). It was several hours before they had her calm and her wounds dressed, and I finally got to hold my little girl.

She has very deep what used to be called second degree burns on her hands, forearms, and forehead. She is going into surgery at some point tomorrow for grafting.

I still can't really believe this is happening. Just a few days ago I was on my way to work, just thinking about all of the things I needed to get done before the weekend. Now here I am at a hospital computer, trying to hold it together for my little family's sake, and my little girls' chubby palms will never, ever look the same.

There is so much in my head, so much I could say about this whole ordeal. But for now I'll leave it at a positive. I am so thankful for the people who are getting us through this. Our community here has been so amazing. Even the nurses have mentioned how loved Eden must be. We have had multiple visitors every day. I remember 1L year mourning the fact that all of our good friends lived so far away. While many of our good friends, and all of our family, are still far away, we feel so enveloped in love right now it's honestly amazing.

God has been faithful in this. I have had moments, I admit, when I think "Why? Why is this happening to my baby girl?" and then I know that while there is an answer to that question, I don't know it, and that is ok. Because He knit her together in my womb, and He is working all things together for her good. And we serve Him (not the other way around).

It's hard to see my baby so hurt, but we're doing OK, and He is bringing much-needed peace.

If you're praying for us, here are some specific things you can pray for:

1. Wisdom for the surgeons tomorrow
2. Comfort and peace surpassing understanding for Eden
   
3. Peace for Bryan - the images of the day are already haunting him, and he feels responsible. I know I would feel the same way, but I am trying to help him see that it's not his fault.
4. Rest for all three of us tonight; tomorrow is going to be a long day
5. That God would continue to pull us together as a family unit

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, and I apologize for the stream-of-consciousness. I just needed to get it out there, hopefully I can be more coherent later.

The No-'Poo Challenge (Part TWO)

Since so many of you have asked for MORE DETAILS! for The No-'Poo Challenge, I thought I'd post a separate post about the nitty gritty (um... no pun intended?). If I had time I'd put together a whole Tutorial Tuesday-ish post on this but since I need to be packing (going CAMPING this weekend!! YAY!!) I will have to make it text-only and short.

Baking soda: I keep a small container in the shower of baking soda. I usually use about a tablespoon or so in the palm of my hand and mix just enough water to make a paste. Then I smooth it on the crown of my head, and sometimes let it sit for a bit before I rinse. The amount is hard to get exactly right; you have to play with it until it's not soo much that it dries out your hair and not too little so that it's ineffective. But I think better to err on the too little side when you're figuring it out.

Vinegar: OK. First, be sure to use apple cider vinegar. Second, dilute it a lot. I put about a tablespoon or so into a squirt bottle and fill the rest up with water. If you use too much the smell won't wear off! It's not terrible but it's definitely vinegar-y!

Friction: Scrub, scrub, scrub your scalp. Bryan has a scalp massager thing that he bought at the barber shop and I sometimes use it. The point is to stimulate your scalp, and also to make sure you're rinsing well all the way to the base of the hair.

One final sell: I've heard (from a few different sources) that people with thick, curly hair can really benefit from this. I don't understand either of those adjectives as they relate to hair so I cannot attest, but I've heard that it can make curly hair more manageable. Not sure why. Just reporting.

Everything else is normal: You should still blow dry, straighten, etc. as usual (though, as I mentioned before, I don't use product in my hair anymore, primarily because I don't have to). My point here is that everything else about your hair routine should be just the same, though in the early days it might get a little dicey. Trust me, it gets better. (And yes, Mrs. Douglas, you can keep shaving. In fact, please do. :))

GOOD LUCK! Let me know how it goes!