When I grow up...

I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, what I want to be when I grow up, for a very long time. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a teacher. In high school I decided I wanted to be a psychologist (no real surprise there, given my history...). English was my best subject in high school, so I decided to be an English major in college. You know, practicality and all. But something was missing, so I declared a second major in Math. I decided I wanted to teach after all, and wow how marketable would I be if I could certify in both? (Seriously.)

One day someone in the back of an English class (oddly enough, the same class in which I met my best college friend - glad I enrolled in that one!) was talking about taking the LSAT. And it piqued my interest. I figured, hey, being a lawyer might be a great way to be creative and work with words (and engage the part of me that loves English) and also analytical (and engage the part of me that loves Math). I'd say it's been somewhat true, although not exactly in the proportions I thought it would be.

I knew from the day I signed up for the LSAT that I wanted to go into BigLaw. I wanted to knock out my student loans right away, open all the doors for all the things, etc. But I never intended to stay beyond 3 years. I wanted to go "in house", whatever that meant, because that was the better lifestyle. (Not necessarily true, BTW, but that's another subject altogether).

Most of what I intended has been thrown out the window. I'm the primary breadwinner in our family (my husband's job is great, and he's fantastic at it, but it pays peanuts). I'm still in BigLaw (though, thankfully, not MegaLaw). It's been rather gentle on me, I'd say, compared to some of my peers. And I actually do like the work I do. It's an engaging practice area with really quick results and generally minimal conflict. I get to work with a lot of really smart people who are doing a whole variety of things, and I love that. I'm fitting puzzle pieces together to help make something that will work in the real world, which is awesome. And the network of professionals in my industry is very impressive and engaging and collaborative.

But...

I still don't know if this is for me, long term. I suspect it isn't. By "this," I mean BigLaw, but also law. I really do like it, especially working part time. But I just haven't found something here that actually engages me, that gets me super excited to go to work every day.

What does excite me? There are a few things. I've had a few different ideas rolling around in my head for a while, and all of them involve creating something new. Making my own way. Most of them don't involve practicing law. Unfortunately, none of them will support my family, at least not right away, and my firm looks down on side gigs. I'm itching to make one or more of these reality, but I really can't right now, and it's frustrating. Meanwhile the itch gets itchier.

I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. My husband got it just right last night when he said I'm not content with complacency, I like change. I love doing something NEW, figuring out something NEW, organizing stuff, creating forms (!!), working out how to do something better, planning events and presentations, being creative and strategic, adding value, and ohgoodlord working with interesting people. In real life. Building relationships. Helping people do something good, something valuable. Not much to ask, right? :)

Suggestions welcome.