Letting Go

On my way to work today I didn't feel like doing a crossword, and I purposefully didn't bring any work to do on the train (so I'd have something on my desk when I got there), and my iPod was still sitting on the alarm clock next to the bed, so I was left with my own thoughts. As the train rattled over the Charles, I took a rare moment of quiet solitude and just enjoyed the scene. The clouds hung low over the tops of the buildings, shrouding their height. The river seemed broken, foggy, slush-covered ice with lighening-like streaks of shining water. For a moment the world froze and I had a breakthrough of clarity and perspective. As much as I am worried about everything (and I am worried), it is sort of stupid. Yes, I should probably be thinking about what choices are wise right now given the current economic climate, but at the end of the day, there is a God who created this entire universe, and He created me, and He created this fog which shrouds our human creation. And ultimately my life is not about me, but about Him. I live not for my own worldly success or for my own comfort, but for His glory. And if that means He takes my job and thrusts me into a period of suffering, I may not love that situation but I will continue to love and follow Him. Because He is ultimate, and I am not. Because everything I have, everything I am, is His anyway. And each day I live and get to see my beautiful daughter snuggled up next to her daddy, both of them peacefully sleeping in the dim light, I know that He loves me, and I love Him for the gift of the day, for the gift of my family, for the gift of His presence, and ultimately for the gift of salvation.

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

-Matthew 6:25-34

Uncertainty

This recession is scary. It is incredibly scary. I didn't realize how scary until it hit close to home.

There's a real possibility (how remote a possibility is a matter of pure speculation, which I refuse to engage in) that I may lose my job this year. Maybe this month. Bryan and I have been talking about what we'd do if that happened, and talking about whether we think it will happen, all weekend, and my head hurts. I can't think about it anymore. But I also can't stop.

I don't know what we'd do. Bryan and I would both immediately be looking for any job, obviously. We'd have to get a forbearance on our student loans. If we didn't find jobs, we can't even think about what we'd do. Probably it would involve moving back to Oklahoma. We don't want to do that - we love it here - but we would if we had to. It would take really having to. We've always said God would have to put it in letters on the wall. Maybe this will be those letters, we don't know yet. Obviously if that's where He wants us, that's where we want to be. But we hope that's not where He wants us.

I'm about ten steps ahead of myself, I know. Maybe I'll get to keep my job and everything will be fine. But my stomach still hurts every time I think about it.

Eight Months

Sweet Eden,

This month, maybe more than any other, you've changed incredibly. This time last month you'd just begun to crawl. Now you are crawling like crazy, you've learned how to pull yourself to standing, you can "cruise" around on furniture and tall toys, and you have two teeth!! What happened?!? You're such a big girl!!

You are so much fun. I think I've said it, at least to myself, every month, but this is my favorite age so far. You're hilarious. You babble like crazy - DahDahDahDah or GuhGuhGuhGuh or BaBaBaBa or YaYaYaYa. Sometimes I talk back and we have a full-on "conversation."

You love Nino. When he comes into your line of sight, you make a big "happy noise" and immediately start crawling toward him. He's learning to be OK with you pawing all over him - and you're still (usually) pretty gentle.

You also love music. We spent a lot of time dancing and singing together this weekend. My favorite is when you make what we call your "Stevie Wonder" face - you open your mouth really wide and "sing," and shake your head back and forth. It's absolutely adorable.

You are a very social baby. You love to make people smile. You want to interact with other babies and play together. You're content to play by yourself for awhile, but you have to come over and get some love periodically. I'm happy to oblige!

Maybe the funniest thing you've done this month is smile for the camera. It's hard to get a good picture of you lately because you're constantly in motion. But sometimes, when you see the red light come on, you turn to it, give the most adorable little gummy smile, and after the click or the flash you go right back to what you were doing. It is hilarious!!

I can't believe how big you are - I can't believe you're eight months old. That seems so old. It really doesn't seem possible! I know I will be feeling this way forever, because you'll never stop growing, but I somehow am still shocked at how true what everyone says is.

Our relationship has become really fun lately. You are always excited to see me - you give me a big smile and happy noise when I pick you up from your crib in the morning (where you're standing up - what??). I nurse you, and then we snuggle and play for a little while. It's really hard to go to work and leave you and Daddy - it always has been, but it's harder now that you're so interactive. But I know that when I come home you're going to give me that big gummy smile and that beautiful happy noise again, and all will be right with the world.

I love you, little precious. You've changed our lives in a million ways, and they're all amazing. I can't imagine life without your little light. Keep being amazing.

Love,

Mommy

P.S. Here's that gummy smile for the camera I was talking about (and those teeth on the bottom!):