On pregnancy

I've had this post sort of writing itself in the back of my head for some time now, but I just haven't gotten around to writing it. I thought it would be nice to express some of my thoughts on pregnancy up to this point (mostly so I don't forget... my brain doesn't work so well these days).

First of all, getting pregnant was much more difficult than I expected. I think we both naively thought, "oh, we're young, we're in love, we're ready for a baby - how hard can it be?" And we had a window of opportunity! But it took us a while anyway. I went off the pill in November, and we got pregnant in September. Ten months of disappointment was hard; negative tests every month were really painful. Especially since it seemed like people were getting pregnant all over the place around us. I had two close friends get pregnant in the time we were trying, and one of them got pregnant right away. I was happy for them, of course, but it was still hard to look at them and know that they were where I wanted to be. And we were trying to trust God in all of this for His timing, but we were getting frustrated at the same time. Eventually we decided to take a more proactive step. I highly recommend this book. It was great to learn about what was going on with my body. Following the steps in the book also allowed me to channel my energy into taking my temperature in the morning, and then I could better keep focused on other things throughout the day. And we got pregnant the first month on that method, which puts little Eden coming right at the end of our "window." The timing really is perfect - which I guess just shows that God really knows what he's doing.

Second, I was not really a fan of pregnancy in the first trimester. At the very beginning it was a little scary. I kept thinking, "What if it was a mistake and I'm really not pregnant?" But of course I was. And then a few weeks later (I think I was about 7-8 weeks pregnant) the nausea set in and it was undeniable. I was sick all the time. I mean 24 hours a day. Thank goodness I didn't throw up at all, but I couldn't eat anything except Wheat Thins (and now the sight of the box turns my stomach). I was in Portland for the second time during that period, interviewing for jobs no less, and I was a horrible guest to KF! I was totally exhausted and couldn't really eat great food. Anything sweet, including chocolate (!), turned my stomach. It was so frustrating!

But eventually the nausea started to go away, and my energy level rose moderately, at about 12-13 weeks or so, and I felt better. I just eagerly anticipated the day I'd feel that little one move, and the day I'd start to see a bump! That all happened over Christmas break, and now I love being pregnant. I love feeling our little girl kick! I love the way my body looks right now! I could do without the heartburn (it kept me up last night, in fact) but I am so excited to be right where I am! (And to be able to eat chocolate again!) And it's exciting to start getting ready for baby. We've already received our first items off of our registry (thanks!) and have started collecting big stuff; we got a crib for free from our pastor (which Meg and Bryan will be stripping and re-staining), we got a dresser from Craigslist (which we're also planning to use as a changing table), we bought (practically stole at $25) a glider rocking chair from Craigslist too (which I will be sanding, repainting, and reupholstering this semester - yay!). And because we could not agree on a stroller for a long time and for some reason it was a major point of contention, we bought the only one we both liked (on Amazon); it was delivered on Monday - here's a picture of Charlie testing out the toddler seat (he approves) and Daddy testing the wheels (it pushes like a dream - really).


Anyway, that's where we are now. I'm really enjoying this ride. The one hard thing is that creating a family of our own really deepens the sorrow we feel about being so far from our families back home. We've always been pretty independent, and that's great in some sense, but at the same time it's sort of hard to not have other people around us who are really emotionally invested in this baby (and us!) as flesh and blood. It's hard to walk through all this up-and-down, and even just the pure excitement, without those people invested in the walk with us, right beside us. It's also true that becoming a mother makes me think more often about my own mother (who I haven't seen in something like six years), and to lament the fact that that relationship will never be what it could have been. I do sometimes wish I had her (or maybe not her, but more like the idea of her) here (or accessible) to say things like, "When I was pregnant with you I craved tacos all the time" or "just like little Eden, you used to kick the mattress at night, just as I was drifting off to sleep" or something like that. I know that's not possible, and even not really healthy for me and the baby given the level of anxiety she brings with her, but it doesn't change the fact that I wish it was different. I am experiencing all of these amazing (and sometimes confusing) things, and I just wish I had someone to share it with who had been through it. Or someone who cared deeply about this situation beyond just being our friend. Our friends here are great - don't get me wrong - but they're just not family. And despite all the ups and downs and craziness and stress that families can bring, times like this really do make me wish I wasn't 1700 miles away from mine. OK now the hormones are seriously kicking in. Sorry about that.

I suppose the short story is getting pregnant was hard, early pregnancy was hard, but this second trimester is where it's at, even though it's still not perfect. But I've never really been one for the short story, have I? :)