The New Job

It doesn't feel all THAT new anymore, in that I've been there for over two months, and I feel pretty integrated into the department. People within the firm but outside the department have started calling me directly for advice in my practice area, and I've figured out the technology.

You guys, this job is so good.

I try not to overplay it. I'm in the honeymoon phase, I know, and I'm terrified of the other shoe dropping, but seriously, it's working out so well right now.

The department is small, and I've had a chance to work with everyone. I've been busy but not too busy, working on projects that are challenging and exciting. One of my biggest fears in leaving my old firm was that I'd already developed relationships with the people I worked with, that I'd already established myself, and that gave me credibility and a bit of freedom to maintain the flexibility I want. I needn't have worried.


Even when I'm working a lot (like last week, billing 13 hour days) I have still been able to leave the office pretty early (for BigLaw - or, I suspect, just about AnyLaw). Usually I'm walking out at 4:45. Sometimes it's more like 5:15, but when 5:15 seems late, you know things are totally awesome. Billing 13 hours from 9am to 10 or 11pm is So. Much. Different. than billing 13 hours from 9am to 5pm and 8pm to 1am. For me, it's different in a pretty amazing way, because it means I'm home - and present - with my family for two or three hours, playing Candyland with Eden, teaching Leah to say new words, hearing about Bryan's day. Eating dinner at the table with my three favorite people. And to not feel guilty about that from the work side, to know I'm supported by my coworkers and bosses, makes it that much sweeter.

Today I was in a meeting - with a client - that started at 3:00. At 5:02 my boss (the practice group leader) suddenly started, and very sincerely exclaimed - "Katie! Do you need to go? I'm so sorry for keeping you!" I told him it was OK, I could stay, and he said, "Are you sure? If you need to go, we can pick this back up later." I said it was fine, and stayed to finish the meeting, but it was FANTASTIC to have him recognize that this was not anyone's expectation of me. And I and still left at 6:00, waving an enthusiastic goodbye to him as I left the office, and was home for some play time and bedtime. Then I logged in and turned a draft of the document we were working on.

Seriously, this might be sustainable. I just pray I'm not putting my foot in my mouth.

4 Years (plus a little)

Eden,

You turned 4 on June 15. Four! You're such a big girl. I know I sound like a broken record, but I cannot believe how fast the time has flown.

Three was... a hard age for you. It's one reason this post took a bit to write, actually, and a reason I've been a bit silent about your development this year. I'll tell you the story of your fourth birthday party, it about sums that up:

We were all excited for your party. You wanted your party in a barn. It's really hard to find a venue with a barn in New England in the summertime. If you'd been born in September, or even July, that would be a piece of cake, but unfortunately most of the farms are still closed for parties in June. So we decided to wing it in our condo complex's clubhouse, and make it feel like a barn. You invited all of your friends from school (for the first time!).

The day of the party, a Sunday, we came home from church and you just... melted down. Epically. You were screaming, hitting, pinching, punching, completely out of control. By the time I got you calmed down, you just fell asleep. It was 12:30. Your party was scheduled for 3:00. We couldn't very well have you wake up from your nap, after that epic situation, and be "rewarded" by an afternoon full of friends and cake and presents, so we made a very difficult decision. We cancelled your party. Gut wrenching and frustrating and sad as it was, we had to call and email everyone on the guest list and tell them there would be no party. And then we had to tell you. You took it better than we expected, but the three additional meltdowns in the next 6 hours told us we'd made the right choice, as terribly difficult as it was. It still brings tears to my eyes to think that you'll never have a fourth birthday party (even as I also know that I have no clue what my own fourth birthday party was!).

You've unfortunately spent a lot of time in the last year in tears, in tantrums, in screaming fits. One day in October you refused to get dressed and I had to take you to preschool stark naked. You screamed at the top of your lungs the whole way there, and I carried you in, barely covered in a blanket, no clue what to do. The teachers (mortified, I'm sure) immediately asked if I needed help, I squeaked out a yes, and as soon as they asked if you'd like to get dressed, you complied.

Yes, it's been a difficult year.

BUT.

It's also been a time of incredible growth and development. And I'm happy to say (tentatively) that I think we're looking backward on that year. I continue to constantly be amazed at the little lady you've become on the other side.

In preparation for your birthday party, you helped me make invitations. You love being creative, and jump at the chance to do something crafty or help bake; last weekend we made a cake. You sit at the bar and help stir, help crack eggs, help measure flour, and it's very sweet how concentrated and careful you are.

You are starting to use your imagination (which you are happy to announce you're doing - "I'm using my imagination, Mommy!") and play alone or with us (or your friends at school). Right now your favorite things to do are to play princesses (which almost always involves a wedding) and "MommyDaddyBaby" (which often involves babysitting). Objects are never what they appear to be; they always stand for something else, which drives your concrete father a bit nuts but makes me so excited.

(Proudly showing off your "car")

You've also started playing board games, which is very fun for Daddy and me - we love that we can all three sit together and play Candyland or Chutes and Ladders. (Incidentally, you have crazy luck - you almost ALWAYS win, which is so odd, because they're games of chance, with no skill involved!)

(Cootie!)

We are constantly amazed at what you're learning right now, in a more academic manner. You know all your letters (just tonight I noticed that you can start in the middle of the alphabet and recite from there, without singing the song) and their sounds, and you're starting to put words together a bit. You know all of your numbers too, and recently you've started doing basic addition and subtraction.

(Family walk around the neighborhood)

You are a little bit timid, taking time to warm up to every situation, even the preschool you attend five days a week. But once you warm up, you're right in the mix, excited and chattering away.

(Rock on, girlfriend!)

You are an incredible big sister. That is one thing that, even in your hardest, most difficult moments, never goes away. You LOVE Leah. You don't always want her up in your business, true, but you are (usually) kind about it. And if she's upset, you're the first to try to fix it. And she loves you, too. One of my favorite moments of the day is when we wake Leah up and get her out of her crib, and she immediately heads to your room, lifts up your covers (you sleep completely under them) and gives you a big hug. You will squint open one eye, then throw your arm around her, and she'll climb into your bed for a snuggle. I stand in the doorway and watch it unfold, thankful for two sweet little girls.

(Educating Leah about the giraffes at the zoo)

Today, Eden, was a great day. You were so good. You cleaned your room all by yourself, we played two games of Hi Ho Cherry-O, you transitioned from activity to activity without protest. We went for a walk, you skinned your knee (galloping in Crocs - not a good idea) and were so brave when I cleaned it. You kissed Leah goodnight and rubbed her head. You sat still while I braided your hair (because you wanted it "curly" tomorrow). And I thought, Three is gone. Four is here. And I am so glad. I know this year won't be perfect, and it will have its ups and downs, but you're in SUCH a better place.

(Ice cream date with Mommy)

I love you so incredibly much, girlie. I know that things are not always going to be easy, and I embrace that, because it shows that you're a strong individual. You know what you want, and I know that will serve you very well later in life. And I love that about you.

(Checking out the swings at the church!)

You're awesome, kid, and I can't wait for tomorrow.

Love,
Mommy

Transition

Last Wednesday was my last day at MegaLaw. The exit was bittersweet. Honestly I've loved my group, the people I have worked with directly have been fantastic, and it is both sad and terrifying to leave that, even if I know it's so what I should do, what makes the most sense. They took me to lunch and got me a cake. I made them cake balls and gave them handwritten thank you notes, which they all thought was old-fashioned and "quaint" but mostly I got emotional and I couldn't imagine saying the thank yous I wanted to say face to face without losing it, so I wrote them down.

I left the office around 3:00, and my six-day weekend, unemployed, began.

DC was awesome. Highlights included sleeping past 9:30, seeing a movie, getting a fantastic massage, and getting to hang with my girl Meg and meet some of her friends. Lowlight was the 7:00 am flight on Saturday morning after hanging with Meg and her friends on Friday night - wow, I'm such a mom.

This weekend was pretty normal, although I did miss French toast breakfast. (sadface). We had an event at the church on Saturday (Exodus Fair - it was pretty cool - groups of people set up booths highlighting different parts of the Exodus story. Ours was a shuffleboard-like game where kids shuffled Baby Moses through reeds. Funny, and less informative than others, but very fun) and then we all took a long (3 hour!) nap. We went to the park in the afternoon. Sunday after naptime we went to the zoo. (We are members and it was SUCH a good idea - Eden is super into it).

Monday I got to hang out with a friend who has a very new baby. It was her first day home alone and so I got to help her out. She has a 2.5 year old who is seriously one of my favorite kiddos. He's easy and fun and so freaking smart it's crazy. He talks as well as Eden, and I think he actually knows more about a lot of stuff than she does. He loved my get-you bugs. :) And it was sweet to hold a newborn (and hand her back at the end of the day!).

Today I did two sewing projects (I upcycled old shirts of mine into dresses for the girls - it's my new favorite thing) and ran a few errands. And caught up on my DVR (mostly).

I could get used to this whole not working thing, I think. Except for that whole not working = not getting paid thing. That kinda sucks. But being untethered for a few days was exactly as awesome as I thought it would be.

Now tomorrow I start the new job, at BigLaw. I'm excited, nervous, and a little bit terrified. Should be good, right? :)

From MegaLaw to BigLaw

I'm leaving my firm.

I put in my notice today. It seems like there is a tier missing in law firms - this firm is much smaller than my current firm, but it's by no means a small firm - or even a midsized firm. So I'm calling it a move from MegaLaw to BigLaw.

It all happened very, very fast. Cold call from a headhunter to offer and acceptance in 22 days. But it's right for me. I think. I hope. There are so many reasons for this - so many reasons it is smart - and I don't think I want to hash it all here, but suffice it to say that I've got good reasons related to my career long term, and I'm very, very excited about the possibilities.

But... today was hard. Breaking up with five men and one woman in one morning was definitely hard. And I spent a large chunk of the day dealing with administrative hurdles for the exit. It feels like the next two weeks are going to be awkward. And draining.

My last day will be two weeks from yesterday, May 16. That night I'm rewarding myself by flying to DC to spend some time with my best friend from law school. Untethered. Oh that is going to be so beautiful. I'll be back on Saturday morning in time for our weekly French toast breakfast. Then, after a hopefully-relaxing weekend with my family, I'm going to try to get a massage on Monday or Tuesday and start work at my new job on Wednesday.

EEK! :)

Check out my posse

Cutest biker chicks ever.

Flying Solo - the Aftermath

The last week and a half has been so good. Bryan being gone was tough, but it was ultimately good for us. I knew that dealing with getting the girls up and ready and to school and home and fed and to bed by myself was going to be difficult. Doable, but difficult. What I wasn't prepared for was how much I missed him. Just... him. Not Dad him, not Roommate him, not Protector him (though I did miss those things); his smell, the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, his grounded insight into everything, his goofy puns, his dirty socks left in the most random places (OK, I didn't really miss that last one...).

I don't know why that surprised me. When we first moved to Boston, Bryan went away to play drums for a college retreat. I couldn't go because I had 1L stuff of some sort going on, and it was the first time we'd ever been apart more than 24 hours. Neither one of us slept at all that weekend. Then I went to Washington, D.C. without him later and I ended up standing by on an earlier flight so I could get home to him. It's almost a physical connection we have.

We've been married our entire adult lives - 11 years this month - and it's just so precious to know we still like each other, we still love each other, we still can't sleep without each other.

(This one of my favorite photos of us - taken in 2006, I think, in Harvard Square. I have very vivid memories of this evening, walking around just being together, people-watching.)

He is home

And my heart is so happy.

Flying Solo, Update

It's Monday morning. We survived the weekend without Bryan at home, and while we all miss him terribly, we did ok.

I have this "Today I Feel" magnet on the fridge with all kinds of emotions depicted and Eden and I often play with it. Last night she was looking at it intently and said, "Mommy, do you have 'Miss' on that thing?" She is having a bit of a hard time with Daddy being gone, but she has been FANTASTIC. Seriously, fantastic. There have only been a couple of moments that I've had to talk her off the edge of a meltdown. And she's responded right away. She's been great help with Leah, and she's just been so much fun herself. But at night she gets sad, she wants her Daddy. I let her sleep in my bed (on Daddy's pillow) for the first couple of nights. The first night she was such a little diva: "There needs to be a fan in here..." and after I turned on the fan, "I can barely hear it. It's TERRIBLE down here!" Tonight she's back in her own bed, she knows that.

We went to the park yesterday - it was 80 degrees or something. Almost hot on the playground.




They had so much fun. :)




Then we headed home, I cooked dinner (tried a new recipe even!) and Eden, in her infinite helpfulness, decided to take a bath with her sister (she pretty much never does that). I got Leah off to bed and then Eden and I put together the girls' lunches and watched some VeggieTales and then hit the hay ourselves. I was asleep by 10. I think the last couple of days wore me out. :)

Now the real test starts: workweek solo-ing. It's about to get real.

Flying Solo

I'm sitting in my bed, half snuggled under the covers, with my sweet cuddily big girl snoozing next to me.

I can't sleep.

My other half is halfway across the country.

It's a testament to his character, actually, because he HATES to fly, he's never flown without me, and he volunteered to chaperone a service trip with 11 kids to New Orleans, a place he's never been.

I kind of feel like I should be able to be alone for seven nights without getting all sad and insomniac about it. But whatever. Bryan and I have grown up together, and we've never been apart this long before. And we've never been this far apart before.

I miss him.

Plus, there's that whole solo parenting thing, which terrifies me a little bit, even if it's just for a week!

But mostly, right now, I just wish I could sleep.

Balance - Restored.

I've been struggling a bit in the "balance" department. Which is a nice way of saying, work has been a bit... frustrating lately.

This has led to some serious soul searching and thinking about the things I want out of a job, the things I want out of my career, and what on those lists I'm willing to compromise. Ultimately the most important thing to me was to be able to be there for my family, physically present, every day. And I realized that the part of this job I hated the most - the part that made it seem unbearable - was the schedule; I was missing Leah awake more often than not, and when I did see the girls, on a day I got home on the early side, they were eating, then bathing, then going to bed. I never had time to just PLAY with them during the week, to just BE with them, even though I often had a few hours at night all to myself, while Bryan was working, lesson planning or writing exams or grading papers.

Cue divine intervention. I had lunch with a female partner at my firm two weeks ago. I'd been intending to get together with her and then she was profiled by the firm's women's initative, it was the kick in the pants I needed to send her an email (her office is literally 15 feet from mine, but we are in completely different practice areas and I almost never see her in the office). I spoke with her about her career path - she has three children and made partner while on maternity leave with her third (ten years ago) - and she strongly encouraged me to try proposing an alternative work schedule that would allow me to spend more time with my family. I'd never really seriously considered it. To me, "alternative" means "part time" and I hesitate to do that for a million reasons. She suggested thinking of the ideal situation, even if it's just an accommodation for how and when and where I work, if not how much, and just asking for it - what's the worst that could happen? They say no and you keep doing what you're doing? That REALLY resonated with me. And I realized that if I got this schedule thing worked out, I think I could actually be happy with this job for the long term.

I spent the weekend talking with Bryan, praying about how to structure this, thinking creatively about what would be best for all of us, making lists, crunching numbers, pondering possible objections. We decided I would propose to the people for whom I work that I would work from 8:30 or 9:00 to 4:00 or 4:30 at the office, and then work a few (2, 3, 4, 6, whatever) hours from home in the evening after the kids go to bed. I would stay full time, and therefore keep my current salary. Obviously this would be flexible, able to adapt to workflow needs, but the default would be that I start gathering my things at 4:00 unless something was keeping me in the office.

Then last week - after steeling myself with prayer - I had the conversation with the partners in my group and they AGREED to my proposal. At least for now, on a trial basis. They all understood where I was coming from and they were mostly encouraging, even if they weren't all completely optimistic that it would actually work out (OK, one wasn't - but I am working extra hard on convincing him that I can still be a crackerjack associate even if my 4:00-6:00+ work is shifted to 8:30-10:30+).

It has been a week, and it has been FANTASTIC. I feel like every day is Friday. I've managed to keep everyone happy at the office, to leave before 5 most days (and be home by 5:30 most days!), and to spend some real quality time with Bryan and my girls awake! And the weather has been beautiful too - we've been on walks, I've been pushed around in a tricycle, we've eaten dinner on the patio. Eden and I have played Play-Doh and had long beautiful talks while we snuggle on the couch and I stroke her long, beautiful hair and stare at her sweet face. Leah has walked blocks and blocks holding my finger, and I've taught her Itsy Bitsy Spider and how to point to her nose and her belly. And sometimes her feet. Bryan and I have had CONVERSATIONS. Real, honest CONVERSATIONS. We've cooked together, tag-teaming watching the girls and laughing and stealing kisses in the kitchen.

It makes me cry just thinking about all of the moments I've had over the last week that I would have otherwise missed. Had I not just ASKED.

I'm not sure whether this will have long term effects on my career. But I don't care. My babies are only little once, there is only one today, and I am going to seize this opportunity.

(Eden singing Leah a song before bed - not from the last week, but SO SWEET, right?)