Transition

Last Wednesday was my last day at MegaLaw. The exit was bittersweet. Honestly I've loved my group, the people I have worked with directly have been fantastic, and it is both sad and terrifying to leave that, even if I know it's so what I should do, what makes the most sense. They took me to lunch and got me a cake. I made them cake balls and gave them handwritten thank you notes, which they all thought was old-fashioned and "quaint" but mostly I got emotional and I couldn't imagine saying the thank yous I wanted to say face to face without losing it, so I wrote them down.

I left the office around 3:00, and my six-day weekend, unemployed, began.

DC was awesome. Highlights included sleeping past 9:30, seeing a movie, getting a fantastic massage, and getting to hang with my girl Meg and meet some of her friends. Lowlight was the 7:00 am flight on Saturday morning after hanging with Meg and her friends on Friday night - wow, I'm such a mom.

This weekend was pretty normal, although I did miss French toast breakfast. (sadface). We had an event at the church on Saturday (Exodus Fair - it was pretty cool - groups of people set up booths highlighting different parts of the Exodus story. Ours was a shuffleboard-like game where kids shuffled Baby Moses through reeds. Funny, and less informative than others, but very fun) and then we all took a long (3 hour!) nap. We went to the park in the afternoon. Sunday after naptime we went to the zoo. (We are members and it was SUCH a good idea - Eden is super into it).

Monday I got to hang out with a friend who has a very new baby. It was her first day home alone and so I got to help her out. She has a 2.5 year old who is seriously one of my favorite kiddos. He's easy and fun and so freaking smart it's crazy. He talks as well as Eden, and I think he actually knows more about a lot of stuff than she does. He loved my get-you bugs. :) And it was sweet to hold a newborn (and hand her back at the end of the day!).

Today I did two sewing projects (I upcycled old shirts of mine into dresses for the girls - it's my new favorite thing) and ran a few errands. And caught up on my DVR (mostly).

I could get used to this whole not working thing, I think. Except for that whole not working = not getting paid thing. That kinda sucks. But being untethered for a few days was exactly as awesome as I thought it would be.

Now tomorrow I start the new job, at BigLaw. I'm excited, nervous, and a little bit terrified. Should be good, right? :)

From MegaLaw to BigLaw

I'm leaving my firm.

I put in my notice today. It seems like there is a tier missing in law firms - this firm is much smaller than my current firm, but it's by no means a small firm - or even a midsized firm. So I'm calling it a move from MegaLaw to BigLaw.

It all happened very, very fast. Cold call from a headhunter to offer and acceptance in 22 days. But it's right for me. I think. I hope. There are so many reasons for this - so many reasons it is smart - and I don't think I want to hash it all here, but suffice it to say that I've got good reasons related to my career long term, and I'm very, very excited about the possibilities.

But... today was hard. Breaking up with five men and one woman in one morning was definitely hard. And I spent a large chunk of the day dealing with administrative hurdles for the exit. It feels like the next two weeks are going to be awkward. And draining.

My last day will be two weeks from yesterday, May 16. That night I'm rewarding myself by flying to DC to spend some time with my best friend from law school. Untethered. Oh that is going to be so beautiful. I'll be back on Saturday morning in time for our weekly French toast breakfast. Then, after a hopefully-relaxing weekend with my family, I'm going to try to get a massage on Monday or Tuesday and start work at my new job on Wednesday.

EEK! :)

Check out my posse

Cutest biker chicks ever.

Flying Solo - the Aftermath

The last week and a half has been so good. Bryan being gone was tough, but it was ultimately good for us. I knew that dealing with getting the girls up and ready and to school and home and fed and to bed by myself was going to be difficult. Doable, but difficult. What I wasn't prepared for was how much I missed him. Just... him. Not Dad him, not Roommate him, not Protector him (though I did miss those things); his smell, the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, his grounded insight into everything, his goofy puns, his dirty socks left in the most random places (OK, I didn't really miss that last one...).

I don't know why that surprised me. When we first moved to Boston, Bryan went away to play drums for a college retreat. I couldn't go because I had 1L stuff of some sort going on, and it was the first time we'd ever been apart more than 24 hours. Neither one of us slept at all that weekend. Then I went to Washington, D.C. without him later and I ended up standing by on an earlier flight so I could get home to him. It's almost a physical connection we have.

We've been married our entire adult lives - 11 years this month - and it's just so precious to know we still like each other, we still love each other, we still can't sleep without each other.

(This one of my favorite photos of us - taken in 2006, I think, in Harvard Square. I have very vivid memories of this evening, walking around just being together, people-watching.)

He is home

And my heart is so happy.

Flying Solo, Update

It's Monday morning. We survived the weekend without Bryan at home, and while we all miss him terribly, we did ok.

I have this "Today I Feel" magnet on the fridge with all kinds of emotions depicted and Eden and I often play with it. Last night she was looking at it intently and said, "Mommy, do you have 'Miss' on that thing?" She is having a bit of a hard time with Daddy being gone, but she has been FANTASTIC. Seriously, fantastic. There have only been a couple of moments that I've had to talk her off the edge of a meltdown. And she's responded right away. She's been great help with Leah, and she's just been so much fun herself. But at night she gets sad, she wants her Daddy. I let her sleep in my bed (on Daddy's pillow) for the first couple of nights. The first night she was such a little diva: "There needs to be a fan in here..." and after I turned on the fan, "I can barely hear it. It's TERRIBLE down here!" Tonight she's back in her own bed, she knows that.

We went to the park yesterday - it was 80 degrees or something. Almost hot on the playground.




They had so much fun. :)




Then we headed home, I cooked dinner (tried a new recipe even!) and Eden, in her infinite helpfulness, decided to take a bath with her sister (she pretty much never does that). I got Leah off to bed and then Eden and I put together the girls' lunches and watched some VeggieTales and then hit the hay ourselves. I was asleep by 10. I think the last couple of days wore me out. :)

Now the real test starts: workweek solo-ing. It's about to get real.

Flying Solo

I'm sitting in my bed, half snuggled under the covers, with my sweet cuddily big girl snoozing next to me.

I can't sleep.

My other half is halfway across the country.

It's a testament to his character, actually, because he HATES to fly, he's never flown without me, and he volunteered to chaperone a service trip with 11 kids to New Orleans, a place he's never been.

I kind of feel like I should be able to be alone for seven nights without getting all sad and insomniac about it. But whatever. Bryan and I have grown up together, and we've never been apart this long before. And we've never been this far apart before.

I miss him.

Plus, there's that whole solo parenting thing, which terrifies me a little bit, even if it's just for a week!

But mostly, right now, I just wish I could sleep.

Balance - Restored.

I've been struggling a bit in the "balance" department. Which is a nice way of saying, work has been a bit... frustrating lately.

This has led to some serious soul searching and thinking about the things I want out of a job, the things I want out of my career, and what on those lists I'm willing to compromise. Ultimately the most important thing to me was to be able to be there for my family, physically present, every day. And I realized that the part of this job I hated the most - the part that made it seem unbearable - was the schedule; I was missing Leah awake more often than not, and when I did see the girls, on a day I got home on the early side, they were eating, then bathing, then going to bed. I never had time to just PLAY with them during the week, to just BE with them, even though I often had a few hours at night all to myself, while Bryan was working, lesson planning or writing exams or grading papers.

Cue divine intervention. I had lunch with a female partner at my firm two weeks ago. I'd been intending to get together with her and then she was profiled by the firm's women's initative, it was the kick in the pants I needed to send her an email (her office is literally 15 feet from mine, but we are in completely different practice areas and I almost never see her in the office). I spoke with her about her career path - she has three children and made partner while on maternity leave with her third (ten years ago) - and she strongly encouraged me to try proposing an alternative work schedule that would allow me to spend more time with my family. I'd never really seriously considered it. To me, "alternative" means "part time" and I hesitate to do that for a million reasons. She suggested thinking of the ideal situation, even if it's just an accommodation for how and when and where I work, if not how much, and just asking for it - what's the worst that could happen? They say no and you keep doing what you're doing? That REALLY resonated with me. And I realized that if I got this schedule thing worked out, I think I could actually be happy with this job for the long term.

I spent the weekend talking with Bryan, praying about how to structure this, thinking creatively about what would be best for all of us, making lists, crunching numbers, pondering possible objections. We decided I would propose to the people for whom I work that I would work from 8:30 or 9:00 to 4:00 or 4:30 at the office, and then work a few (2, 3, 4, 6, whatever) hours from home in the evening after the kids go to bed. I would stay full time, and therefore keep my current salary. Obviously this would be flexible, able to adapt to workflow needs, but the default would be that I start gathering my things at 4:00 unless something was keeping me in the office.

Then last week - after steeling myself with prayer - I had the conversation with the partners in my group and they AGREED to my proposal. At least for now, on a trial basis. They all understood where I was coming from and they were mostly encouraging, even if they weren't all completely optimistic that it would actually work out (OK, one wasn't - but I am working extra hard on convincing him that I can still be a crackerjack associate even if my 4:00-6:00+ work is shifted to 8:30-10:30+).

It has been a week, and it has been FANTASTIC. I feel like every day is Friday. I've managed to keep everyone happy at the office, to leave before 5 most days (and be home by 5:30 most days!), and to spend some real quality time with Bryan and my girls awake! And the weather has been beautiful too - we've been on walks, I've been pushed around in a tricycle, we've eaten dinner on the patio. Eden and I have played Play-Doh and had long beautiful talks while we snuggle on the couch and I stroke her long, beautiful hair and stare at her sweet face. Leah has walked blocks and blocks holding my finger, and I've taught her Itsy Bitsy Spider and how to point to her nose and her belly. And sometimes her feet. Bryan and I have had CONVERSATIONS. Real, honest CONVERSATIONS. We've cooked together, tag-teaming watching the girls and laughing and stealing kisses in the kitchen.

It makes me cry just thinking about all of the moments I've had over the last week that I would have otherwise missed. Had I not just ASKED.

I'm not sure whether this will have long term effects on my career. But I don't care. My babies are only little once, there is only one today, and I am going to seize this opportunity.

(Eden singing Leah a song before bed - not from the last week, but SO SWEET, right?)

Payback

As soon as I closed the last post, I shut the computer and immediately felt like I was going to puke. Over the next two hours I felt the chills and fever start.

Thankfully Bryan feels better today (after a pretty intense evening for him - this is so definitely a stomach bug).

Just praying my girls don't get sick.

Valentine's Day NOT Complaining

Bryan woke me up this morning two minutes before my alarm went off: "(cough, cough) Hey babe, you're going to have to get the girls this morning. I'm sick." My response: "The girls are still asleep, as I was until about five seconds ago. Did you really need to wake me up right now to tell me that?" Awesome, right? Totally what he wanted to hear, I bet. My attitude has sucked all day. It started last night and it's been annoying myself, so I know it's annoying my family. I keep thinking about what a terrible Valentine's Day it is, which is ultimately so stupid. It's been difficult to keep my resolution to stop complaining and stay positive. I'm learning that it helps to actually write the positives down (or at least draft a list in my head) until they push out the negatives and make it all seem insignificant. So here it goes:

Despite my having to get both girls AND myself ready this morning, I was able to sit down to breakfast with them and still get to work earlier than normal. Plus I got to see my sweet Eden love on her sick Daddy. He was sleeping on the couch, and she whispered, "Mommy, his feet are uncovered. I'm going to get him another blanket." And she lovingly draped his feet with one of her crocheted blankets, softly patting them at the end like the sweet nurturing girl she is.

This morning I got to witness Leah's intense attachment to the director of her daycare. I'd heard she was attached, that the director was the only one who could calm her down in the first few days she started, but I saw it with my own eyes today, and I am now convinced the feeling is 100% mutual. It makes me so, so very happy to have my kids taken care of by people who truly love them.

I have a complicated, time-intensive memo to work on at work, and a couple of other deals heating up. It gives me something to do; things have been moderately slow lately, so I am happy to be able to stop worrying about hours. During the slow time I've connected really well with some fun colleagues, which has been nice, so I'm thankful too for distractions.

I was able to leave work early to get the girls from daycare (law firm perk numero uno in my book - flexibility with hours). When Leah saw me, she squealed and gave me the sweetest, longest hug ever; I almost cried right there in front of her teachers. For a minute I thought she was going to fall asleep on my shoulder. And even though we had to run two - TWO - errands after work, on opposite sides of town, nobody had a meltdown, and we made it home before No-Nap Eden started to get too crazy and Way-Too-Short-A-Nap Leah started to wilt.

My husband, despite feeling yucky and weak, was able to pitch in a bit at home so I could get dinner on the table and the girls both bathed and in bed. (And I'm SO thankful and appreciative of the fact that he cooks dinner - GOOD, real, balanced MEALS for dinner - five nights a week while wrangling the kiddos all by himself. I'm not even sure my brain understands what that means. Usually when I have them by myself on the weekends it ends up being something frozen I just heat up. Or leftovers I piece together.)

Miss No-Nap was whining this evening, and I got onto her for it, as we do fifty million times a day. I told her if she whined one more time, no books before bed. And she stopped. She talked to me in her big girl voice and took a completely appropriate tone. For most of the rest of the night.

And now I've got three sleeping Valentines, a therapeutic blog post written, and I am about to settle down into some productivity for the next few hours.

Thanks for listening, Interwebz.

And here's a little cuteness for your time: