Lying

I'm posting this on April 25, 2017, but I wrote it just over 2 years ago so I'm going to backdate it. I never posted it, because I try not to post too much negativity that hasn't been fully digested, but it's so incredibly relevant to where things are right now.

April 13, 2015 - 11:30 am
People ask how I am. Usually I say, "I'm doing well! How about you?"

I know, it's a polite question people ask without even thinking. But sometimes I want to scream, "I AM NOT OK. MY WORLD IS CRUMBLING AND I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE IT STOP AND I CANNOT CONTINUE TO HOLD IT TOGETHER." Honestly I feel like I'm just waiting for the final straw, for the last bit of crumbling foundation to peel away. I'm in limbo, waiting for the last piece to fall. I can't stop it and I don't know when it will happen, and I'm not even sure what to look for. So I just wait. And try to hope.  But it's really, really hard. And totally exhausting. Three therapists, soon to be four. Endless painful and frustrating conversations, and my own inner monologue jumping all over the place. Plus, you know, Life. Kids. Dishes and Laundry and Bills and Dentist Appointments and Well Child Visits and Sick Child Visits and Work, omigod, Work. And of course this is the perfect time to sell our condo and buy a house. The mountain is staggering, and it gets to be really suffocating and I find sometimes I can't do any of it, because there's just so much and where do I even start? Nobody can help, I have to do this all on my own, and I feel like there's just not enough of me. My marriage is falling apart. The facade is falling off, brick by brick, and I'm not sure if there's even anything behind it. Or ever was. I can't juggle anymore. I'm frozen. I just want to curl up and sleep. I feel like I'm sinking back into the hole I just clawed out of. My fingernails are still bleeding but I'm sliding right back down. Part of me wants to just let go. I know I can't, I won't, but I am so tired.

I'm not ok. But I know that's not what people want to hear, and I don't want to get into it, so I lie.